Attachment theory offers a description of how our childhood relationships with our parents (or primary caregivers), and the level of their responsiveness to our physical and emotional needs, creates our expectations in adulthood of how love should be with our romantic partners. These relationships can trigger off our learned attachment styles. It is therefore beneficial to be aware of our personal attachment styles and to understand how these may be triggered. Were our parents there for us? If so, we will anticipate the same from our future partners. If our parents were unresponsive, neglectful or perhaps inconsistent, we will form insecure attachment patterns. The resultant learning can manifest in one of three main ways, evidenced by the way in which we experience conflict with our partners: 1. Are we secure and do we stay calm? Secure attachment presents as a confidence in one’s worth to be loved. It is also trusting of others, unless proven to the contrary. In conflict therefore, the person with a secure attachment style can remain engaged and intimate, with relatively low levels of discomfort or distress. 2. Are we anxious and therefore clingy and distrusting? An anxious attachment style is evident in those of us who fear disconnection with our loved ones, usually because of fears of separation, abandonment or loneliness experienced as a child. Since an efficient self-support system in childhood has not been internalised, the lack of external support in adulthood stirs up a deep anxiety that no-one will be there for us. The despair and strong need for connection can lead to clingy behaviour. Sadly however, because clinging is unattractive to our partners, there is the risk of rejection and the very situation that we were hoping to avoid! Over time, the hurt can develop into frustration, resentment and anger. Furthermore, we are also at greater risk of trying to satisfy our unmet needs through infidelity where we seek sexual intimacy with another partner. 3. Are we avoidant and therefore, do we attempt to halt the argument or even hide away behind the self-proclaimed title of being “independent”? Avoidant attachment styles often stem from fears of rejection or accumulated hurts and commonly lack the confidence or incentive to connect. Intimacy is perceived as too demanding during moments of conflict and therefore, there is disengagement at these critical times. The tragic ambivalence is that while there is the strong desire for connection and for our needs to be met, there is the simultaneous fear of being vulnerable and thus the struggle and lack of effort to stay present and express ourselves openly. As a result, our partners will often feel ignored, uncared for and taken for granted. Without the recognition that deep and meaningful connection with others is needed, individuals with avoidant attachment are at risk of being less committed to relationships and may possibly also have more permissive sexual attitudes. 4. Are we ambivalent/disorganised, hailing from chaotic or traumatic childhood homes, where we shout, are controlling and/or become abusive in our adult relationships since we have no real secure base? Described as the most distressing attachment style, parents were sought for their love and protection in childhood but they were also responsible for neglect and abuse. Such confused and fearful children grow up into suspicious and distrusting adults, ever unstable in adult relationships and perpetually in pain and fearing the worst. Accepting and owning the past is necessary as well as learning the critical skill of self-soothing. So we understand that we tend to recreate unhealthy relationship patterns from our childhood in our adulthood. But why do we get drawn to the very type of partners who bear semblance to those parents? Sadly, because they are familiar. Even though it’s not what we want, we are often drawn to such partners because we derive a sense of comfort from the familiarity. Of course, the comfort is short-lasting and emotional reactions are inevitable as issues are triggered. For many of us, there is little insight into why we respond during conflict in particular ways and we may also fail to recognise that the behaviour is patterned across our relationships. As a result, and unfortunately, these unhealthy and unhelpful behaviours are not outgrown and can endure for many years (if not for a lifetime). Though incredibly challenging, the good news is that unhealthy attachment styles can be unlearned and modified. With commitment and therapy, adults can be assisted to gain insight into their negative patterns of relating, own their feelings, tackle their disappointments and wounds, choose to communicate despite the perceived risks and thereby rebuild better and loving styles of attachment for sustaining mutually satisfying relationships. (Credit to the work of Ronit Baras; Marni Feuerman; Sue Johnson; V. Michelle Russell, Levi R. Baker & James K. McNulty; and DeWall)
